shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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