You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
