best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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