Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize