Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
