thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
