I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
