Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
