so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
