Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
