i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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