Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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