so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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