my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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