I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.