I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
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She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.