I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
