Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
