John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
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It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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