I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
