matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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