Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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