just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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