foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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