I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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