i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
