i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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