Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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