Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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