using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
