Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
