I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My pussy is not your playground.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
