Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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