I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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