I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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