I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
