What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
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she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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