ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize