Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
