Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
