you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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