I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
