you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
