hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
