Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
