just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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