he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
