had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
