What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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