Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
