It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
