Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You dont lie about slip and slides
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize