Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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