yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
