Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
