I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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