Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
