I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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