They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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