I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
